Parenting Fails – The Beginning of Parenting Well

Yesterday, I failed as a parent.  Not a fail, full stop, but many mini-failures to be exact.  

In fact, every day for the past nine and a half years, since my oldest child was born, I have felt at some point during the day, like a failure.  And the worst kind.

A parenting failure.

If I had to choose one thing to succeed at, the most important thing to do right in my life, it would be this parenting thing.  

So you might think that that's left me feeling pretty bad about my string of parenting fails.  But that, my friend, is not the case.

January Round-Up

Welcome to my first ever monthly round-up, where I get to rave on all the awesomeness I've been digging this past month.

Reading Recap: The School for Good & Evil

It's my goal for 2017 to complete a book review for each book I finish.  It's been a while since I've done one of these, especially for other people to read!  So, without further ado, my first, of hopefully many, book report of 2017!

While on a trip to Asheville this summer, we wandered into a local indie bookstore, Malaprops Bookstore.    As I perused the writing and journaling section, the kids browsed the children's literature.  It was there, among the Diary of a Wimpy Kid and Junie B. Jones books, that Sadie picked up a book neither of us had heard of before, The School for Good & Evil.  We both read the inside cover and thought the book seemed interesting, but we didn't actually pick it up that day.  She had a stack of Percy Jackson books on her bedside table, so I promised once she finished those, we would start The School series.

Pumpkin Patch 2015

We took our annual family trip to Burt's Pumpkin Patch today.  It's been a yearly tradition since Alex & I married nine years ago!!

We had planned to camp at Amicalola State Park after hitting Burt's, but as it turns out, everyone else had planned on that too - so the campground was full.  This year we've struck out three times camping, not including today - it's just not our year when it comes to camping.

S I X

Amelia made it to six years old and we celebrated in a BIG way with family and friends and a field day of sorts.  It was so much fun for the kids and the grown-ups.

Summer Recap

Summer slipped by so quickly this year.  In fact, each year the kids get older and the months seem to pick up speed.  Reflecting back on the time we spent together through our pictures is my favorite way to slow down time.

Raven Cliffs Falls Trail

Summer has been calling us outside and to the trails.

Saturday we made plans to go tubing in Helen then hiking nearby at Raven Cliffs Falls Trail.  Tubing was relaxing and the rapids were more exciting then they had been last year.  Amelia flipped out of her tube, but Alex's catlike reflexes caught her before she even hit the water.  

After tubing and lunch, we planned to go find our hiking spot.  Unfortunately I failed to plan ahead, and didn't print out directions before leaving home.  The drive should've taken about 15 minutes,  but without cell signals we couldn't pin-point the site location, and instead we drove around for about two hours...  I was not pleased with myself at all, but on the upside, Gunner got a nap and the kids all had bounds of energy by the time we actually got to our trail.

Park Day

The kids are already getting bored with summer, and it's only been two weeks out of school - one of which was spent at the beach!!

I spend my mornings working at home, which means they are free to play on their own.  Most of the times that play revolves around play-doh.  Man, do they love the stuff.  The girls watch youtube videos of their favorite toys and then recreate the videos at home when their internet time has run out.  Gunner injects himself whenever possible.  It's fascinating to listen to them describe their play.

St. Pete + Reflections

Summer started last week and the first day saw us heading south to St. Pete's Beach.  It was a much needed vacation after a whirlwind year - school days for our two girls mixed with my revived career ambitions plus one lonely little man at home and a busier-than-ever husband. 

The Laser Show plus Ten Things

Summer is coming to an end this week, and we've been squeezing out every last drop of it!  Last friday, the kids and I did something we NEVER do.... we got doughnuts.  I know, shocking.  But let me say, not having one for more than a year made me enjoy them even more!  They were so good I even texted a picture to Alex to let him know what was waiting at home {yeah, we're crazy food people, but that's okay}.

Camping {Cloudland Canyon}

We left town for the Fourth of July to reconnect in our favorite way - camping.  It's a tiring thing to do.  There is so much prep work at home before leaving, and the whole set up and take down isn't exactly quick, especially with three little ones, but the memories are worth it.  

We drove three hours northwest to Cloudland Canyon State Park, and let me tell you, it did not disappoint.  The pictures cannot do this canyon justice.  It was truly awe-inspiring.

Tubing the Chattahoochee

As a family it's been our goal to live more from intention, to purposefully go out and do things together.  To make memories.  To spend our money and time on experiences instead of on things.

Finding Meditation at the Kitchen Sink

Lately, I've been finding the admonition to meditate nearly everywhere I look.  Articles, quotes, blog posts, and news bits, it seems the universe is telling me meditation is something I need in my life.  I don't love the word meditation - for me, it tends to bring on images of saints or very religious people sitting in silence.  It's a little eerie, a bit weird and the whole idea makes me a tad uncomfortable.  However, I can't deny the benefits that come from a still mind.  Connecting with my inner self, taking the time to analyze my feelings and thoughts, it's all very positive and an impetus to personal growth.  After all, how can I know which areas in my life I need to put work into if I never take the time to think about how things are going?  

Panther Creek Trail {Father's Day Hike}

We spent Saturday hiking Panther Creek Trail to celebrate father's day.  We splashed in the chilly water, looked for bugs and mushrooms, and listened to birds and the breeze.  There was so much to experience, the creeks and shoals, crossing nearly broke-down bridges, and climbing big rocks.

 

The Thing I'm Most Guilty Of As A Parent

There was never much question in my mind that I'd be an amazing mother.  From early childhood, I clearly recall this intense desire for children.  It was the one thing that I knew I was meant for.  That I'd be perfect for.

Becoming Authentically Me

It's funny to think about putting effort into becoming myself, but that's sort of where I've been heading for a while now.  I think as we grow up, enter adulthood, we sort of wait around, flailing in my case, trying to figure out how to reconcile what we've learned about life and the world and how we should act, even who we should be, with the person we feel ourselves growing into.

The Happiness Project

Last week we took a trip to the beach, and I brought along a new book as I usually do.  This book was entitled The Happiness Project.  I devoured that book, and it set in motion all kinds of things in my mind.  I won't go into all the details of the book here, but I will say that it inspired me to take a look at my life and find ways to create happiness.  Not that I'm particularly unhappy, the opposite in fact, but I think it's easy for us to become bogged down in the daily goings-on, the routines and rituals of daily life and to let our goals for our lives get a little lost in the shuffle.  I'm certainly in that place now, and I have been for a while.  

I think when I created this blog, I hoped I would find a place to connect with others, to put down my feelings so that I myself could recognize what I was feeling, to reconnect with my love of journaling.  But as it turned out, the blog quickly became something I felt compelled to do, the perfectionist in me decided what I would right about, and I always questioned whether or not what I wrote was good enough or if anyone would like it.  But as I read through The Happiness Project, I realized that I needed to get back to the core of who I am.  The girl that loves to write without worrying about what other people think.  That's what I want this blog to be about.  To give me a vehicle for growth and change and evolution.  A safe space for me to let out my feelings, my fears, my happinesses without worrying about judgement, mostly without judging myself.  It isn't easy to erase thirty years of obsessiveness and perfectionism, but it's one of my goals, one that I will more than likely continue working on for the rest of my life.

The quote above really struck a chord with me.  Life isn't about finding happiness; happiness is not some elusive thing which, once attained, is constant and steady and easy.  Happiness is those fleeting moments, the ones that almost slip by unnoticed.  Watching my two-year-old eating cherrios with a serving spoon.  Listening to my daughters sing along with one of my favorite songs.  Catching a text from my husband with a simple ILY (our code for I Love You.)  The moments when you don't even realize you have a huge grin on your face until someone asks you why you're smiling.  If I'm not careful, those moments pass by and I don't even appreciate them.  When I'm rushing, or "busy", or frustrated, or whatever I am in the moment, if I'm not present, I lose those little gifts of happiness.  Above all, I want to look less, but see more.  Notice life.  Soak in the happiness and peace and craziness and love that's bursting around me.  

The book has spurred me to begin working on my own sort of Happiness Project, of which this blog will be a part.  I'm hoping to explore more ways in which I can relish in the happiness of my life now, as well as reconnect to things which used to bring me joy, but which I've let fall out of my life for some reason.  I also plan on thinking about things I can let go of that are impeding true happiness for me.  

I'm excited for the things to come!

-xoxo-

the prisms of my life

by brianne wiseman

for the sun is here, in her
as she shines out her enchanting warmth
it's in her lavender eyes
engrossed in the vastness of her expansive creativity
it's in her enveloping hugs
always like it's the first hug she's ever felt
it's in her soulful smiles
her exaggerated waves when she first sees me in the carpool line
it's in her graceful girliness
her empathy, her ever-evolving sense of self, her bravery
that child is a prism of rainbows
glowing at me, her fierce light dancing all around her.

the sun is here, in her too
as she tries desperately to block out the oppressive clouds
it's in her grey eyes
full of tearful apologies, the depth of her forgiveness, the ease of her forgets
it's in her mindful breaths
her fragile peace breaking through waves of wild, red anger
it's in her simple kisses
the fullness of her cuddles, how her heart is never full enough
it's in her requests for back rubs
her face tucked tightly into my neck, never, never, close enough
that child is a prism of rainbows
glowing furiously despite her struggles, letting her enchanting light out

it's here again, in him
as he discovers the adventures beyond home and the joys of taking chances
it's in his electric eyes
the way he runs too fast to me each morning, crashing into my legs
it's in the messy halo of yellow hair
in his rocks and sticks and how he never wants to wear a shirt, but always, always, shoes
it's in his unbelievably loud sirens
his endless imagination, his curiosity, his nighttime cuddles, his fish lip kisses
it's in his i'm tired too and his momma hold me
when he's already perched in my lap, a little bird
that child is a prism of rainbows,
illuminating the world and lighting up my life with his charming ways

they are the prisms of my life
reflecting their sparks into my soul
when the rain washes down deluges upon me

dreaming & pretending

by brianne wiseman

i make their meals & shush their cries
i clean their messes & give them baths
i tie their shoes & do their laundry
i change their diapers & brush their hair
then i look in the mirror and wonder
what am i doing here?

i always thought i would belong in this life
but the days of screaming & fighting & lonely car rides all together
when nothing i do is ever nearly enough
i wonder
what am i doing here?

i should be able to comfort her
but i don't even want to try anymore
i should be the one in charge
but i am not, not even close
i should be enriching their lives
but am i stifling them instead?
i should be so much that so often i'm not
and i think
what am i doing here?

as a child, i dreamed of motherhood in all its glorious charm
beautiful beings devoted to me, our mutual love palpable
both of us eager to please, just to witness the other smile
and life would be a painting, on the banks of paradise

as a mother, the reality is often harsh and tiresome
it's trying my hardest to please each one, only to make them all unhappy
it's waiting for a thank you mom that's never going to come
it's you always and you never and i love you and i hate you

and in my reality i've had to find my paradise
ushering in both the greyest of skies and the most magnificent rainbows
and i could sit here and pretend to only see the rainbows
life is a lonely, long day sprinkled with prisms of brilliance

and i choose to watch the prisms dance

warm sheet

by brianne wiseman

your eyelashes lay gently on your rosy cheeks
your chest falls slowly up... and down... up... and down...
there is silence in the air, so quiet
the only sound, your pillowy exhalations

your hands folded neatly beneath your cheek
elbows tucked in tight to you
your chestnut hair dances around your face
framing your porcelain features in its shiny smoothness

not long ago, my child, you were a baby in my arms
chubby cheeks, curious eyes, but always, always, tucked in to me
your fingers curled magnetically around mine
like pieces of a puzzle, fitting together seamlessly

then I looked up and out of nowhere, you were flitting about with inescapable tenacity
shattering my life into a thousand shades of beauty, each mirrored by the next
a little firefly, glowing brightly, always lighting her own way
seeing the world for the first time with fresh blue eyes

since the first moment, I've been so scared to let go of you, my girl
so afraid of all the wonders I'll miss
not wanting to waste even a moment being away from you
my little world, my soul child

but I needn't worry, for here you are
you always return to me, with new adventures and big plans
you fall into me, each night hugging me tighter than the last
and when I least expect it, you say I smell like home

I will always be your home, my sweet, precious girl
you can cover yourself in the warm sheet of my heart