Sunday, November 24, 2013

An Ode to my Twenties

Tomorrow is my thirtieth birthday.  I've kind of been waiting for this day for a while now, with excited anticipation, expecting to – as everyone I've heard talk about it says – feel a boost in confidence, finally know who I am, where I fit, what I'm supposed to be doing with my life.  To finally be comfortable within my own skin.  I must admit, as this milestone has approached, I seen myself falling into some of these new roles almost automatically, watching as the fog of my childish naivety cleared and the warming rays of the woman I was becoming began shining in on my life.  It's been both unnerving and comforting, this leaving behind of my early adulthood.  Like a ship sailing into an unknown harbor, unable to stop, and not even wanting to, but still, finding the fear of what awaits ahead a bit daunting.  

My twenties were both beautiful and tragic, mundane at times, and absolutely charged with life at others.  It's always like that, no matter where you are in the arc of life.  The waves of change bringing ebbs and flows, leaving me, at times, desperately low only to raise me to the highest of highs when I didn't see it coming.  In my early twenties, my life shifted in a way I'd never imagined it would.  It is not an exaggeration to say that those first few years drastically altered my life's course.  I got my heart broken, ripped out and torn to unrecognizable pieces.  I got very lost in my life.  I was, for the first time ever, completely alone, and in that moment of desolation, I found the most beautiful friendship, one within my own heart.  It took time for those wounds to heal, the truth is there is much hurt that I still carry with me from those years, hurt that can never be undone.  But it was that tragedy that led me to find myself.  And so it was worth it.  

I must celebrate the wonderful things that happened during this last decade of my life.  I met my best friend, who would go on to become my husband and make me the mother I'd always dreamed of becoming.  Through him, I rediscovered myself all over again.  It's as if my life has been a series of finding myself, seeing new facets of being through the eyes of those I love.  By far the biggest change my twenties brought me were the births of my three beauties, my children.  I have learned so much through motherhood, and I continue to learn from them every single day.  The sage wisdom of such young souls astounds me.  It's in the quiet moments with them that I get a peak into the magic of life.  There is nothing more spectacular that watching life unfold before my eyes, it has been my privilege to have spent these last six years watching my babies grow.  Through all the frustration, through the trials, through the work and the worries and the mundane, through everything that is difficult and painful about parenting, there is nothing so dark that the light of my children's faces can't outshine it.  There are a thousand beautiful moments for every hard one, and hundreds of peaceful memories to outweigh the chaotic ones.  My twenties taught me to see the sparkle of life, even when everything else seems shrouded in darkness.  They shine twinkling light into my life; my children are my stars.  

There are so many things I still want for my life, so much I'm looking forward to doing in this decade to come.  Fulfilling my life's dream of becoming an author.  Being present in the moment.  Strengthening and deepening my most important relationships.  Watching and guiding my children as they seek to find their way.  There is so much ahead, too much to look forward to to be sad to say goodbye.  So I bid you farewell, my twenties, and I open my arms wide and embrace the year to come.

Thursday, November 7, 2013

the prisms of my life

by brianne wiseman

for the sun is here, in her
as she shines out her enchanting warmth
it's in her lavender eyes
engrossed in the vastness of her expansive creativity
it's in her enveloping hugs
always like it's the first hug she's ever felt
it's in her soulful smiles
her exaggerated waves when she first sees me in the carpool line
it's in her graceful girliness
her empathy, her ever-evolving sense of self, her bravery
that child is a prism of rainbows
glowing at me, her fierce light dancing all around her.

the sun is here, in her too
as she tries desperately to block out the oppressive clouds
it's in her grey eyes
full of tearful apologies, the depth of her forgiveness, the ease of her forgets
it's in her mindful breaths
her fragile peace breaking through waves of wild, red anger
it's in her simple kisses
the fullness of her cuddles, how her heart is never full enough
it's in her requests for back rubs
her face tucked tightly into my neck, never, never, close enough
that child is a prism of rainbows
glowing furiously despite her struggles, letting her enchanting light out

it's here again, in him
as he discovers the adventures beyond home and the joys of taking chances
it's in his electric eyes
the way he runs too fast to me each morning, crashing into my legs
it's in the messy halo of yellow hair
in his rocks and sticks and how he never wants to wear a shirt, but always, always, shoes
it's in his unbelievably loud sirens
his endless imagination, his curiosity, his nighttime cuddles, his fish lip kisses
it's in his i'm tired too and his momma hold me
when he's already perched in my lap, a little bird
that child is a prism of rainbows,
illuminating the world and lighting up my life with his charming ways

they are the prisms of my life
reflecting their sparks into my soul
when the rain washes down deluges upon me

dreaming & pretending

by brianne wiseman

i make their meals & shush their cries
i clean their messes & give them baths
i tie their shoes & do their laundry
i change their diapers & brush their hair
then i look in the mirror and wonder
what am i doing here?

i always thought i would belong in this life
but the days of screaming & fighting & lonely car rides all together
when nothing i do is ever nearly enough
i wonder
what am i doing here?

i should be able to comfort her
but i don't even want to try anymore
i should be the one in charge
but i am not, not even close
i should be enriching their lives
but am i stifling them instead?
i should be so much that so often i'm not
and i think
what am i doing here?

as a child, i dreamed of motherhood in all its glorious charm
beautiful beings devoted to me, our mutual love palpable
both of us eager to please, just to witness the other smile
and life would be a painting, on the banks of paradise

as a mother, the reality is often harsh and tiresome
it's trying my hardest to please each one, only to make them all unhappy
it's waiting for a thank you mom that's never going to come
it's you always and you never and i love you and i hate you

and in my reality i've had to find my paradise
ushering in both the greyest of skies and the most magnificent rainbows
and i could sit here and pretend to only see the rainbows
life is a lonely, long day sprinkled with prisms of brilliance

and i choose to watch the prisms dance

warm sheet

by brianne wiseman

your eyelashes lay gently on your rosy cheeks
your chest falls slowly up... and down... up... and down...
there is silence in the air, so quiet
the only sound, your pillowy exhalations

your hands folded neatly beneath your cheek
elbows tucked in tight to you
your chestnut hair dances around your face
framing your porcelain features in its shiny smoothness

not long ago, my child, you were a baby in my arms
chubby cheeks, curious eyes, but always, always, tucked in to me
your fingers curled magnetically around mine
like pieces of a puzzle, fitting together seamlessly

then I looked up and out of nowhere, you were flitting about with inescapable tenacity
shattering my life into a thousand shades of beauty, each mirrored by the next
a little firefly, glowing brightly, always lighting her own way
seeing the world for the first time with fresh blue eyes

since the first moment, I've been so scared to let go of you, my girl
so afraid of all the wonders I'll miss
not wanting to waste even a moment being away from you
my little world, my soul child

but I needn't worry, for here you are
you always return to me, with new adventures and big plans
you fall into me, each night hugging me tighter than the last
and when I least expect it, you say I smell like home

I will always be your home, my sweet, precious girl
you can cover yourself in the warm sheet of my heart

say yes to life

by brianne wiseman

say yes to change
say yes to uncertainty
say yes to deep hurt
say yes to even deeper love

say yes to simplicity
say yes to wonder
say yes to chaos
say yes to calm

say yes to a few more minutes
say yes to right now
say yes to tighter hugs
say yes to hurt feelings

say yes to intention
say yes to spontaneity
say yes to growth
say yes to good enough

say yes to quiet
say yes to boisterous play
say yes to vulnerability
say yes to bravery

say yes to letting them take their time
say yes to making the time
say yes to finding your happy
say yes to allowing your sad

say yes to discovery
say yes to evolution
say yes to creativity
say yes to taking chances

say yes to fear
say yes to adventure
say yes to triumph
say yes to second place

say yes to relishing the moment
say yes to the little things
say yes to tucking in
say yes to everyday miracles

say yes to belly laughs
say yes to tearful eyes
say yes to new hellos
say yes to final goodbyes

say yes to dream chasing
say yes to sitting still
say yes to noticing
say yes to connecting

say yes to music
say yes to smiles
say yes to angry words
say yes to slammed doors

say yes to i love you's
say yes to rolled eyes
say yes to always being there
say yes to letting go

say yes to new births
say yes to sad endings
say yes to everything in between
say yes to life

the light & the shadows

by brianne wiseman

the light shines brightly over me
but I don't want it, I bury my face
in the shadowy sliver of emptiness
I open myself to the darkness
and let the pain come in
taking residence in my mind

it's a curious thing, this emptiness
it haunts me with each sly step
closing in on me like a thief

and steal it does, more often than not
carting away my joys, carrying off my dreams
leaving me all alone with myself

I'm here now, in this place of bitter refuge
and it's damp and dark and void of anything
but the lostness, the distance

and in the blackest of nights, I see it
but, no, that can't be, the emptiness forbids it
yet there it is; it's a faint sparkle

just a glimmer, a twinkle, but it's something
it's real.  it's hope.  it's courage.
the emptiness sees it too, this vulnerable little light
and it strides on over to snuff it out
to plunge me right back into the dark abyss
but the light doesn't dim
instead, it fades the emptiness in its embrace
and its flames burn brighter, dancing about in swirling delight

and the emptiness cannot compete

the light shines brightly over me, once again
I bathe in its warming wonder
and the emptiness is nothing but a shadowy sliver

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