Tuesday, October 1, 2013

A Little Space

I've been a bit absent from my blog for a few months.  It's not that I haven't had much to say, but rather, what I've been feeling hasn't exactly lent itself to being put into dialogue.  Life is up and down; sideways and even in reverse at times.  I told myself that this blog was about me, and it wasn't going to become another thing on my to-do list.  So it fell by the wayside for a bit.  And that's okay.

I have been struggling lately.  I haven't been able to put my finger on it precisely, but I suspect it's the simplicity, and the monotony, if I'm being honest, of everything being the same every day, for the last six years.  I don't want to come across as another complaining stay-at-home mom.  I know I'm fortunate to have been able to watch my three children grow up a little each day, right before my eyes.  Never missing a step, never missing a laugh, never missing the sweet sight of long eyelashes gracing sleeping cheeks.  I'm beyond blessed.  My family is beyond blessed.  I know this.  In my heart, I know it.

But also in my heart, there is a little space.  A space that's small, but has seemed to grow with each passing year.  A space that's calling out for something more.  Something personal.  Something other than nurturing.  Something other than home-making.  Something to fulfill my soul on a different level.  Not better than motherhood, just fulfilling in a different way.

I've been trying to find something to fill that space.  To quiet that little voice.  To fulfill the nagging needs of my heart, so that I can, once again, embrace all of the magnificence around me.  I feel like if I could just satisfy this little quiet whimper of my soul, then I would free myself to be more present as a mother, to be happier, more alive, more fun.  Because in those moments when I find the little voice quiet, I can overlook the craziness of my everyday life and focus my lens on it's magnificent majesty.  I want that more than anything.

I'm still searching for that little missing piece of fulfillment, as I think many people are.  I'm not sure if I'll find it.  I'm not sure if it isn't the sheer act of searching, of self-insight, of meditation, that just might, in the end, be the thing I was missing all along.  I don't know where I'm headed with any of this.  I just know that a wandering soul isn't always lost; sometimes one just needs to wander a bit before she can truly find her way.

In the time since I last posted, I've written several pieces in my journal.  I'm including one at the end of this post.  It feels right.

by brianne wiseman

let things be wild
let them make a mess
let them feel the world they're creating in their hands
let the majesty of this moment envelop me
let fear and anxiety lose their power over me
let things be wild
let me let go of perfection
let me lead it gracefully out the door
let my life open up to possibility
let me push past the doubts that bind me
let things be wild
let me lose control
let me laugh with sheer abandon
let the blood of living pulse deep into my soul
let belly laughs escape me, let tears of joy fall
let things be wild
let chaos give way to creation
let plans fall to the magic of spontaneity
let the what-ifs fly away on the wings of what is right now
let the beauty of this moment shine on me, sparkling
let things be wild
let me let go of expectation & comparison
let my soul seek out contentment & peace
let the nuances that suffocate happiness be set loose
let simplicity color my life with it's beautiful prism
let things be wild

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